The Perilous Pundit Answers Your Questions

Hello, lovelies and losers of Showdown! It is your favorite learned sage, the erudite scholar, the brilliant Einsteinian figure of an intellectual, the Perilous Pundit! After you all achieved success using my tried-and-true laddering methods, I thought I would answer some of the mail you have sent me out of the kindness of your wonderful hearts. I promise that everyone who writes me will get to run their own Third World country when I become God-Emperor of the Seventh Elysium and annihilate the world as we know it.

What kind of questions will I be answering? The origins of the universe? The history of civilization? Why Taylor Swift hasn't responded to my letters? I even included a photo of me staring wistfully into the sky without a shirt on last time...anyhow! Let's get to the mailbag.

Dear Perilous Pundit, can I have Voice? I really want it.
—SwoobatSlaughterhouse

Really?

Really?

I could offer you untold riches or knowledge, but instead you want me to just hand you Voice like candy? I can't even grant that, though, because I'm only a server Moderator in this earthly avatar—but I'll tell you what I can do. You want Voice? Okay, I'll tell you what to do, SwoobatSlaughterhouse, since you really want it. Find a Voice—any Voice, it doesn't matter who—and challenge them to a fight to the death. This is how Voices were appointed back in 15th-century Armenia, where Pokémon Showdown! was founded, and I intend to see this noble tradition return. If you slay your opponent, I will give you his or her Voice, but only if you're actually a good chat presence. If it turns out you're a cancerous user, you're just some dude that killed someone over the Internet. Pathetic.

Hey PP. Haha I'm abbreviating your name, which shows I am a casual friend of yours. I want you to help me set up my server. It is called Super Pokémon Club. It is going to be a really good server. You can have Voice.
—IAmAGod54

Wow. Your offer of friendship and alliance stunned me. Never before had I heard anything like this, and I was quite honored—until I discovered that you offered me Voice. The Perilous Pundit does not work for Voice. I insist on being Owner, God-Emperor, or Assistant Manager (but please do not call me Ass Man—I no longer use that name since the shark tank incident).

Also, Super Pokémon Club? What a boring name. I've decided that morally, the only thing I can do is go into rivalry with you. I'm starting my own server now. It's called Super-Duper Pokémon Club, and the difference between your puny little podunk gathering and my pinnacle of civilization is that Super-Duper Pokémon Club offers a free burrito for every user, made by my trusty assistant, Snake. Guess what? Snake just graduated from his remedial composition class at the state prison, and as soon as his parole officer lets him leave, we're going to put YOU out of business, IAmAGod54.

Dear Perilous Pundit, where did Game Freak get the idea for Avalugg?
—OldGensRule!!!

I'm glad you asked, OldGensRule!!! I'm not sure if you know this, but my father is Barack Hussein Game Freak, the inventor of Pokémon. Although we rarely speak, in part because I said his new girlfriend looked like a deflated blimp covered in toad slime, Dad was happy to tell me that Avalugg is a tribute to the second greatest film of all time, Titanic. In case you were wondering, the greatest film of all time is the video Mom shot of my second grade piano recital.

Dad told me that he wanted to pay tribute to the iceberg in Titanic, and if you pay close attention to your copy of Pokémon X or Pokémon Y, you'll understand what he told me. First, have you ever noticed that Team Flare's leader, Lysol Sanders, resembles Leonardo DiCaprio? Or that the fifth Gym Leader is named Winslet, after Kate Winslet? Little facts like that tend to be missed by most gamers.

Oh, my beloved Perilous Pundit, my body aches for you! I am burning with a white-hot fire, and the only way it can be put out is with you. I yearn for your warm, tender embrace, your gentle touch, your beautiful body to shine over me like the moon. Don't you see, I'm much better than Taylor Swift, you don't even need Taylo—

Um, this is for another thing. Don't worry about it. Moving on.

Dear Perilous Pundit, can you tell me why Aegislash was banned? Also, where is Pokémon Showdown!'s server located?
—GeraldFordIsDead

Because it's a ghost sword. If you can't tell that a sword with a ghost in it is dangerous, you might be in need of some serious help. What is wrong with you?

As for your second question, the server has no current fixed location. This might be in part due to the lucrative side business of wild animal smuggling that many Pokémon Showdown! staff members partake in. With our skills at handling dangerous creatures that the game provides us, it's a snap to steal a baby panda, or go through customs with 17 toxic salamanders duct taped to your stomach. However, in the meantime, we have set up shop outside of an igloo in Nunavut and welcome any visitors, as long as you're not a cop or anything.

If you water an apple tree with apple juice, is it cannibalism?
—Molk

Lucky for you, I have a degree in Plantonomics from an online junior college. Now, apple juice is probably fine, though you should still avoid it, because if the tree somehow develops a taste for apples, it will begin to consume itself from the inside. Once that happens, it will develop a taste for blood—yes, trees have blood; what did you think sap was?—and then become a vampire. Vampire trees cause 400 deaths every year. If you've read the classic vampire novel Dracula, the third novel in the Twilight saga, you know what happens next: the tree has to be shipped off to Canada, where it will feed on helpless Canadians until it gets tired and falls, becoming a log. In order to avoid this, please water your apple trees with banana juice.

That's all for now, as the Perilous Pundit is weary and has to figure out how to make sure these endangered fish can survive on a transatlantic flight! However, before that, he will be signing autographs at the Walmart in Fallon, Nevada. Be sure to read his next article, "The Perilous Pundit Helps You Cheat Your Way Through Medical School"!

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