Judge A Pokémon: NU thought we were done

This Pokémon is a shining example of how, in my opinion, Sapphire's version exclusives trump Ruby's. Just look at how carefree and happy it is next to the grouchy Shiftry! Spending all of your time salsa dancing must be a panacea for any and all forms of depression. As a matter of fact, I feel as if Shiftry would appreciate some dancing lessons from Ludicolo. Complementing Ludicolo's disposition is its neat design. Its skin, if you can call it that, isn't obnoxiously vivid in color&emdash;it's actually the perfect shade of green—and the pale brown down is a really nice touch. I also have a certain fondness for Ludicolo's hat, which, depending on how you look at things, could be either an integral part of its anatomy or just something that appears on its head when it finishes evolving. I am surprised replicas of it are not yet available in my local millinery, as I would totally wear one to a party. Overall, this is an excellent Pokémon—it's happy, well-designed, and acutely aware of underrated fashion trends.

Imagine a common clump of garbage. Done? Good. Now imagine that your clump of garbage has been painted dark blue and somehow shaped into something barely resembling an angry sea lion. You have? Congratulations! You now have a relatively accurate mental image of Samurott. This is hands-down the ugliest starter Pokémon ever created. Samurott's dark blue skin does not go well with the cream-colored shells that cover its head and legs—they are forced together by an arranged marriage of the vivid and the dull, perpetrated by a designer who obviously didn't know any better. In addition, Samurott's heavily waxed facial hair, which could have been its saving grace, comes off as little more than a pretentious attempt at replicating Alakazam's enviable mustache. The most ridiculous thing about Samurott, however, is its feet. They're too small! I would imagine that Pokémon circuses all feature a segment where the audience laughs at a muzzled Samurott attempting to lug its hefty body around with those pint-sized paws. Adding to Samurott's woes is the fact that it is just another common Water-type in the grand scheme of things. If you ever decide to have another crack at any of the Generation V games—they're all very replayable—I advise you steer clear of Oshawott. Don't be reeled in by its cuteness, because chances are you'll wind up carrying this thing in your party. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I've always found Miltank a bit off-putting. This might have something to do with the fact that, should you search for it on Google Images, you will be on the receiving end of some rather strange and unauthorized artistic impressions of it. When you ignore this, however, you'll find that Miltank's pretty ordinary. It at least appears to derive some level of contentment from the fact that it is not very remarkable, as you can see from its facial expression. A high level of self-esteem is always a good thing. Besides this, however, Miltank isn't much more than a bipedal, pink cow with very short limbs and a round face. The black accents on its head, feet, and tail go nicely with the shade of pink, I guess. I suppose it is also redeemed in some way by its altruistic nature, as it happily allows Pokémon that aren't feeling the best to drink its cure-all milk from its teats. However, there's not much else I can say about Miltank. It's just that unremarkable.

Ah, Weezing. Forget about poor, confused, lost Numel. The fact that Weezing comprises of two depressed heads, as opposed to one, makes it possibly the saddest Pokémon around. I don't know what could have happened in the evolutionary process to cause the happy-go-lucky Koffing to suddenly experience a huge mood shift as it split into two, but it must have been pretty traumatic. Unlike Koffing, Weezing looks as if it's conscious of the foul stench that assaults wherever it floats. Both heads always have forlorn gazes painted upon their faces, as they watch the plumes of poisonous gas they exude from their craters float away into the distance, diffusing into invisible blankets of choking smog. There is clearly a level of awareness present on Weezing's sad heads that only somebody with no nose or a wealth of nose pegs will ever show it any love. I doubt that the large fangs present on Weezing's larger head act as a redeeming physical quality. You've got to feel sorry for Weezing. You really do.