Parenting / Custody Advice

[ac1792]

Who else here is a parent? I have an absolutely wonderful 19 - month old girl. Parenting has certainly been difficult, but not the overwhelming challenge I thought it might be from what other people have described. Honestly the biggest difficulties have been created by the issues between me and my fiancée.

Since the day she was born, I have been our daughter's primary caretaker. I'd say I change her 80% of the time and make her food 100% of the time. I take her to all of her appointments, I set up her insurance, I soothe her when she cries at night (fiancee has never once helped) and so many other things. I can deal with that. But my fiancée threatened to take her with her if we break up (her family is from Utah and we live in California). This angers and worries me because I'm both frustrated that she would take her from me when I do so much for her, but I'm also genuinely worried my daughter will not be taken care of properly. Her family are insane alcoholics and drug addicts, and this worries me as well. Her family started giving my fiancée alcohol when she was 5, to give you an idea of what they're like. And my fiancée's mental issues worry me as well, she can act very erratic when she's manic or depressed.

What should I do? I'm certain we're breaking up eventually, and a custody battle terrifies me. Despite the fact that I'm the one who takes care of her, that my family is much more stable and she's in a much better environment here, I'm a man, and it worries me that they're not going to care about what's best for my daughter, and give over custody to her mom because she's a woman. I've even offered to have my daughter for part of the year, and sending her to Utah for part of the year, but my partner shot that down, because I felt like I should keep my daughter for a few months first, so my partner could get into a stable living situation, but that's me "taking her away" from my partner. She had a meltdown when talking about this, because I also pointed out that I am her primary caretaker, and she went on a whole rant about it and threatened to kill herself if I don't let her leave with my daughter.

I really don't know what to do

 

[awyp]

This is pretty serious, I'll try to chime in. I don't have a child but I'm familiar with custody battles because of family. Men have a custody disadvantage automatically because we're men (Welcome to the USA). Unless you guys come up with a mutual agreement (between you and her), you should hire a really good lawyer to prove that you'd be a better fit as a caretaker [that's the only thing you can do if it goes through this situation]. Suicide threats are never something to take lightly so I would seek help immediately with a licensed therapist (for your fiancée) as well as maybe consider couples therapy to see if this relationship could be fixed / helped.

 

[ac1792]

This is pretty serious, I'll try to chime in. I don't have a child but I'm familiar with custody battles because of family. Men have a custody disadvantage automatically because we're men (Welcome to the USA). Unless you guys come up with a mutual agreement (between you and her), you should hire a really good lawyer to prove that you'd be a better fit as a caretaker [that's the only thing you can do if it goes through this situation]. Suicide threats are never something to take lightly so I would seek help immediately with a licensed therapist (for your fiancée) as well as maybe consider couples therapy to see if this relationship could be fixed / helped.

I appreciate your reply. It really is unfortunate how the custody courts work here. My parents divorced when I was young, and luckily they agreed to joint custody, so we didn't have to go through that hell. As far as my fiancee's mental health, she refuses to go to therapy, I've been asking her to for a long time, but she just doesn't like therapists, and will go "when she's ready" despite the fact that she is constantly having mental health emergencies. She has a belief that it's okay for her to kill herself eventually, that it's like a personal choice that should be left to her, so she isn't as alarmed by it all as we are. She said it wouldn't be a problem because our daughter wouldn't remember her because she's young, I told her our daughter would be wondering why she didn't have a mom her whole life. She lashed out at me for saying that.

As far as saving the relationship, I've slowly had to accept over time that she's abusive. I've been in denial for it for a long time, but she's emotionally abusive, even if she doesn't mean to be necessarily. She gaslights me, manipulates me, uses threats to get me to do what she wants, and much more. She cheated on me once. She's hit me a couple of times, and scratched me really hard the other night and made me bleed. I've completely lost who I am and what I'm interested in. I've forgotten who I actually am, and just became the person she wanted to appease her. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to. It's been hard for me to realize that I don't deserve this. So unfortunately, I don't think that's an option.

I will look into legal counsel, I hope it doesn't have to go that route but I need to be prepared if it does. I just want to be able to take care of my daughter.

Thank you again for your reply.

 

[bdt2002]

Not participating in this discussion for myself, but rather on behalf of my brother and his girlfriend. They're pretty much a married couple at this point and I would imagine the only reason they aren't married is just because weddings can be expensive. I've also heard rumors of infighting on her side of the family, but that's beside the point. They just had their first child not even a full week ago following a lot of confusion regarding the fact they weren't expecting a child this early. Another guess, but I would imagine they originally planned on getting engaged/married first and then trying. Much to my delight, this whole process actually seems to have brought them and our families closer together instead of tearing us apart. I remember initially being worried for them when they told me she was pregnant because I was afraid that would cause turmoil amongst our families.

I likely won't be very active on this thread, but I plan on keeping an eye out for anything useful I might be able to relay to them. Just in case they need any advice as new parents, you know? For the time being, their new baby boy (and by extension, my nephew) is doing great. He's not quite yet ready to come home with them from the hospital just because he was born two weeks earlier than his expected due date, but I was able to see yesterday the professionals are taking good care of him and helping him get what he needs, so that's nice.

 

[explodingdaisies]

Hoooo boy. First off, I'd try to get your fiancée into therapy. I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like she could be suffering from PPD.

I would (quietly) get a good divorce lawyer and try to get written statements from her pediatrician that it's you that brings your daughter to the appointments. I'd also look into right of first refusal in California if her parents are THAT bad. Also, she can't just take your daughter out of state all willy-nilly if you do divorce. But the most important thing is getting the best lawyer you can, cost be damned. Sadly, whoever has the better lawyer will end up with the favorable outcome.

Unfortunately, California is a two-party consent state so you can't record conversations.

Before you do ANYTHING, get the best lawyer you can. If you have to borrow money from friends or family or take loans, do it. Your number 1 priority is your daughter. She'll be 2 soon and kids see this type of abuse. You don't want your daughter growing up thinking that this type of relationship is normal. It isn't. Your fiancée is extremely mentally abusive. Write down all the dates and incidents of what happened. Try to remember as much as you can with as much detail as you can. Dates being the most important.

Sorry if it's a bit jumbled, I'm writing on mobile. But the most important thing is getting a lawyer NOW

ETA: Question: Has your fiancée exhibited any of this behavior before? If not, I'm pretty sure she has untreated PPD, maybe something else.

Double Edit: Next time she threatens to kill herself, I would strongly consider calling a mental health line and get someone there. It could be her using it as a manipulation tactic, but it could be serious. Don't take the risk. Last thing you want is her doing that in front of your daughter.