just wanted to share here because i dont feel i have any other place to go, my parents are both health freaks who try all these weird diets that impact me to no avail no matter how hard i try to lose weight it simply isnt enough then spirals out of control until i realize i have gained 25 pounds and there is absofuckinglutely nothing i am able to do about it no form of exercise or dieting has an impact i feel as though i am just destined to amass weight at no point in my life has this depressing trend stopped. I am constantly reminded of my own inadequacies day after day as my struggle to lose weight remains a persistent factor in my life. 4'8 and 190 pounds makes me a prime target for bullying now that my school has transferred back to in person learning rather than through zoom allowing me to masquerade my weight gain, and i do not know what to do. my parents have insisted that through exercise and dieting it will all go away, the tormenting, the feelings of imperfection and so on but it simply does not. it continues to persist in my daily life as well as my private life. i do not know what to do. having been a victim of bullying all throughout my life i really do appreciate space where i can express myself in a nonjudgmental fashion so i appreciate all of you, whomever you are, taking the time out of your day to read this even though you may very well be experiencing much worse pain i just want to say thank you and i hope you have a wonderful day and to not let the negatives define your life. my troubles may be deep and will most likely not end on a whim, but the bullying and the harassment and the sadness i experience are not going to get the better of me and i hope that remains true for you as well. anyway, i am rambling but i just wanted to share my troubles/sorrow with all of you and want to say: WE WILL GET THROUGH THESE TOUGH TIMES WE WILL PERCEVERE WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS SOCIETY CANNOT STOP US FROM ACHIEVING HAPPINESS AND FULFILLMENT SO WHAT IF I HAVE A LITTLE TUMMY BLUBBER I AM NO LESS OF A HUMAN THAN ANYONE NOW WHOSE WITH ME
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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
Hey everyone sorry for posting again so soon
Im doing relatively better than I was at the start of the week. The music is coming out good. Really good, infact. I kinda took this job because I was tired of being in the house all day, their music didnt really impress me when I first listened to it. But they have a clear vision of what the sound should be, and theyre pushing me to work better within that vision, and I have to say today I was there at practise, and we were going through a song (a reworking of For Your Love by the Yardbirds) and idk. It started clicking. And suddenly I was riffing off the drummer, improvising on the spot, backing up the guitar solo without prompt and fuck. It made me feel alive. We have something like 5 songs down perfect in just 3 sessions, and like Ive earned the ability to say I did my part to motivate them into action. Idk I'm just happy the music is still there. Its not what I wanted it to be. Im playing songs written by someone else, its a challenge. Its not what I want. And I dont think that Im going to be with them for too long (maybe a year tops), but I'm just happy that what I live for isnt completely gone. Maybe its just dormant right now, and I can live with that.
Regarding the guy, idk. Its still a little weird but we're just avoiding the topic of what happened the other night I guess. And hes coming over on Monday. Which, yeah, I want, but Im still kinda stressed about it. I want to do stuff, cuz honestly hes really hot and it has been a while, Im just not sure I want to full on fuck. But idk what his reaction would be to that. I just idk its just confusing cause I genuinely dont know what to do. Am I supposed to just suck it up and fuck him? Am I supposed to be open? Im just ahhhh Im lonely and I want some kind of a relationship with this guy, even if he wants to keep it casual. Im fine with that, I just dont know what Im supposed to do. And its just scary because what if I tell him I need to go slower before I can have sex and he decides its not worth his time and ghosts me? I want to be honest for once but Im just scared of how itll turn out, and I dont want to be left alone now, when Im feeling so vulnerable to everything. I just genuinely don't know what the right thing to do here is.
Sorry aaa Im just thinking out loud because its 3am and I have all these songs floating around in my head, but I havent written anything in ages and Im afraid Ive forgotten how to. And tbh even if I do write them its not like I can do anything with them until I get a drummer, so whats the point? Idk. Maybe the writing is the point. Because I just have so much to say and sometimes it feels like the only time people listen is when I put it in a song.
Anyways Ill stop rambling. Thanks for reading. Love you all. Pls lemme know what you think about the guy, Im mid crisis rn
Im doing relatively better than I was at the start of the week. The music is coming out good. Really good, infact. I kinda took this job because I was tired of being in the house all day, their music didnt really impress me when I first listened to it. But they have a clear vision of what the sound should be, and theyre pushing me to work better within that vision, and I have to say today I was there at practise, and we were going through a song (a reworking of For Your Love by the Yardbirds) and idk. It started clicking. And suddenly I was riffing off the drummer, improvising on the spot, backing up the guitar solo without prompt and fuck. It made me feel alive. We have something like 5 songs down perfect in just 3 sessions, and like Ive earned the ability to say I did my part to motivate them into action. Idk I'm just happy the music is still there. Its not what I wanted it to be. Im playing songs written by someone else, its a challenge. Its not what I want. And I dont think that Im going to be with them for too long (maybe a year tops), but I'm just happy that what I live for isnt completely gone. Maybe its just dormant right now, and I can live with that.
Regarding the guy, idk. Its still a little weird but we're just avoiding the topic of what happened the other night I guess. And hes coming over on Monday. Which, yeah, I want, but Im still kinda stressed about it. I want to do stuff, cuz honestly hes really hot and it has been a while, Im just not sure I want to full on fuck. But idk what his reaction would be to that. I just idk its just confusing cause I genuinely dont know what to do. Am I supposed to just suck it up and fuck him? Am I supposed to be open? Im just ahhhh Im lonely and I want some kind of a relationship with this guy, even if he wants to keep it casual. Im fine with that, I just dont know what Im supposed to do. And its just scary because what if I tell him I need to go slower before I can have sex and he decides its not worth his time and ghosts me? I want to be honest for once but Im just scared of how itll turn out, and I dont want to be left alone now, when Im feeling so vulnerable to everything. I just genuinely don't know what the right thing to do here is.
Sorry aaa Im just thinking out loud because its 3am and I have all these songs floating around in my head, but I havent written anything in ages and Im afraid Ive forgotten how to. And tbh even if I do write them its not like I can do anything with them until I get a drummer, so whats the point? Idk. Maybe the writing is the point. Because I just have so much to say and sometimes it feels like the only time people listen is when I put it in a song.
Anyways Ill stop rambling. Thanks for reading. Love you all. Pls lemme know what you think about the guy, Im mid crisis rn
TW, Self harm, Suicide.
This is gonna be a very rambly post, probably nothing important, if you have something you wanna say about what i included in this post my discord is pannuracotta#0454 and im open to conversations
ive been depressed for aslong as i can remember, its to the point where it affects my life in very major ways, theres been alot of days where im just straight-up too depressed to get out of bed, ive been to depressed to eat food for multiple days, doing self-destructive shit to try and make my friends hate me because i dont believe i deserve something as simple as friends, i always push people away for this reason and its probably why i havent made more then maybe 7 friends who i actually somewhat trust and care for on this website after being on it for like almost a year
Recently i've been considering therapy, like alot. ive always discounted therapy as an option for me because "I dont trust people at all, i dont even trust some of my closest friends, why would i trust some stranger?" But i think ive reached a point where i might straight up need therapy, my mental health is constantly getting worse and worse and i wonder at what point itll stop, and when it stops and gets at its aboslute lowest, will i get happier or will i just, stay like that?
Ive been used to harming myself to cope with my emotions, this isnt the most healthy coping mechanisim but i believed it to be a more viable option then talking to other people. But ive stopped cutting and tried to avoid other forms of SH for almost a year at this point, there is no real good reason to why i stopped, people just seem to think its weird that i feel so comfortable harming myself and being open about it, and i dont wanna be seen as weird i guess.
Im about to get into the age where i have to decide what i wanna work as when i get older, and honestly its really difficult. ive always just assumed that i would be dead by the time i turn into an adult but recently ive been thinking about what i should do if im not dead by that point, theres not any job that has really interested me and i feel like between my serious lack of work ethic and inability to focus on stuff, i wouldnt fit in any sort of work envoirment and its really giving me alot to worry about
im just really worried about my mental health, future, and general wellbeing
This is gonna be a very rambly post, probably nothing important, if you have something you wanna say about what i included in this post my discord is pannuracotta#0454 and im open to conversations
ive been depressed for aslong as i can remember, its to the point where it affects my life in very major ways, theres been alot of days where im just straight-up too depressed to get out of bed, ive been to depressed to eat food for multiple days, doing self-destructive shit to try and make my friends hate me because i dont believe i deserve something as simple as friends, i always push people away for this reason and its probably why i havent made more then maybe 7 friends who i actually somewhat trust and care for on this website after being on it for like almost a year
Recently i've been considering therapy, like alot. ive always discounted therapy as an option for me because "I dont trust people at all, i dont even trust some of my closest friends, why would i trust some stranger?" But i think ive reached a point where i might straight up need therapy, my mental health is constantly getting worse and worse and i wonder at what point itll stop, and when it stops and gets at its aboslute lowest, will i get happier or will i just, stay like that?
Ive been used to harming myself to cope with my emotions, this isnt the most healthy coping mechanisim but i believed it to be a more viable option then talking to other people. But ive stopped cutting and tried to avoid other forms of SH for almost a year at this point, there is no real good reason to why i stopped, people just seem to think its weird that i feel so comfortable harming myself and being open about it, and i dont wanna be seen as weird i guess.
Im about to get into the age where i have to decide what i wanna work as when i get older, and honestly its really difficult. ive always just assumed that i would be dead by the time i turn into an adult but recently ive been thinking about what i should do if im not dead by that point, theres not any job that has really interested me and i feel like between my serious lack of work ethic and inability to focus on stuff, i wouldnt fit in any sort of work envoirment and its really giving me alot to worry about
im just really worried about my mental health, future, and general wellbeing
Been lurking this thread, figure it's time I post here.
I doubt most people know who I am, so in case you don't, hi I'm Mr. U and mostly lurk around Smogon and hang out with my GP friends on Discord, though I've been trying to post more in Cong and Smogoff as of late.
Irl, I'm a 1st year Computer Science PhD student, and I've been an absolute mess all semester, really all year, and I don't know what to do at this point.
First off, the school I'm at is pure suburb hell. As someone who did undergrad in a pretty sizable city and can't drive (partly because it makes me anxious, but mostly because I had very little reason to and love walking and can take trains as needed) this is a huge fucking problem. The walking here infrastructure is awful and the area is so spaced out that I have to walk a mile just to get any kind of food; groceries are pretty much impossible outside of getting delivery. There's very little to do too, not that I'd want to meet the upstanding citizens of this town, like the one who drove past me on Thursday and called me a retard for wearing a mask outdoors. Housing isn't great either; while there generally isn't much of a point to complain since a lot of the problems exist no matter what I do, not having a dishwasher has been awful and made it so much harder to eat consistently and just takes up even more of my time.
School life sucks too. For what it's worth, the school I'm at is legitimately one of the best schools in the US for my research area, but I've just come to realize a lot of things about PhD programs that just aren't made clear at first. To begin with, you need to pass 5 qualifier courses out of a selection as one of your requirements, with the passing grade being an A-. That's already pretty dumb (most schools have a more reasonable 3.5 or even 3.0 GPA requirement), but it just gets awful because grade cutoffs in grad school are super random so you can never tell how well you're doing in a class. Yes, they're lenient, but that doesn't help if you don't know how you're doing at the moment. Am I actually failing this class or am I doing well despite how I'm feeling? More importantly, should I stop putting effort into this class that I'm already screwed on so I can focus on something else? It's just not a good mindset to ever have, it resulted in me basically burning a good grade in my hardest class to the ground simply out of the pure anxiety that I had screwed myself from getting a good enough grade when I really hadn't. Also, as a PhD student, I need to actually have a source of funding, so I also have to find a professor who I can do research with after this first year and possibly have as an advisor. Which is funny considering that the first year is meant to be "focused on coursework"...bruh. Obviously, professors aren't very good at checking their email and they're constrained on giving funding anyways. Normally, including from my experience, the best option would be to head to the offices in-person, knock on a professor's door, and talk through with them there...OH WAIT
For the time being, I'm getting TA funding, though I'm not supposed to continue having TA funding past this 1st year. I can maybe make a case since I've personally I've been doing a good job (as does my professor) and it's honestly made me interested in lecturing for the class in the future. While I do love my TA position, and it's made me interested in maybe pursuing teaching in the future, the work required to TA for the class I do (which I did specifically ask for both semesters) is very intensive, moreso than pretty much every other student TA I've talked to who barely even mention the stress of their TA role at all, and considering my TA position is the reason I'm here, and the main thing that's giving me satisfaction, it's resulted in some very screwed up priorities. Speaking of which, I've found it hard to connect with my peers; very few of them are fresh out of undergrad, a lot of them have their Masters, some have gone into industry, some are engaged or married, it's just hard pretty awkward to fit in with people who have their lives sorted out (and are a few years older than me) while I clearly don't. I could look into finding undergrad friends, but beyond the awkward and how I'd have to stay here longer than undergrads would...a lot of the student body is pretty miserable lol. The freshmen I TA for are incredibly anxious about even being allowed to be a CS major (i.e. they also have some bullshit requirements to deal with in order to even qualify, just like me), a stress that I never had to deal with in undergrad and makes it all the uncomfortable to give low grades when I have to. I've met people on Discord, but a lot of them have discussed about mental health issues and anxieties, getting hospitalized, financial problems with even being at the school, very concerning family issues...just a mess to see. In particular, I became close friends with someone who was extremely depressed and attempted suicide three times in the time I knew him; I eventually cut him off just because I realized how toxic that whole friendship was, but even now it's really left an impression on me and I feel like it's a deep-rooted cause of my current anxieties. Anyways, the issue isnt that I don't have friends, I have plenty, but my closer friends are all hours away and I need good friends at where I am now, which are few and far between
This current semester has been a particular trainwreck. I kinda just crashed and burned right from the start and lost my motivation to do well in my classes. I haven't really been attending lectures, knowing that I can't focus at all in online classes, especially when the material isn't engaging. There's at least one class that I know I'm legitimately failing, and this month there's been a few assignments I just straight up haven't had the will to even attempt, so passing any of my classes feels totally hopeless (though knowing my luck the final grade thresholds would still make it possible for me to pass at this point <_<). I don't think it's a matter of laziness, I've procrastinated all the time, but I've never felt a complete lack of motivation or desire to do anything. The hunt for funding an advisor also hasn't gone well; I've kinda realized that I'm not really all the passionate about the research areas I applied to this school for, and have been coming to terms with the fact that as dumb as it is, my passions really lie with making game-playing AIs. It's probably stupid despite what my professors told me, but I think I'd get greater validation if I can just write a proposal with all of my ideas (and maybe make it clear I'm not completely talentless when it comes to research). I've been having sleeping issues too, and aforementioned problems with food as well. I did start seeing a therapist from the school for the past 3 months and while it has helped, things keep getting worse regardless, and something that's been pretty unprecedented for me, I've had increasing thoughts of self-harm. There has been a professor I reached out to who's helped me a ton with figuring out what to do with my life, though she's also aware that I have serious issues. I got sent off to a very specific counseling group today after my professor found out I had thoughts of self-harm, and they and my prof have been urging me to take the next year off despite my concerns of how much trouble I'd get into with the program.
There's a few different options I have at this point. I could keep going on to the Fall semester, but I'd need to figure out funding, I'd need to make sure I pass all of the classes I end up taking, and I'd need to get more research-related stuff sorted out. And I know I could just stay for another year and leave with my Masters, but honestly, I can barely even put up with finishing this current semester, how am I supposed to handle another school year in this mindset? I am most likely gonna be going on medical leave for a year, but I'm not sure what I'd do then; thinking of just finding a job (hoping my old employer is willing to hire me full-time) and maybe applying to other PhD programs I'd be more comfortable at, but that's still work I need to sort out those plans asap. It's been frustrating talking to the counselors since they've been urging me not to think so far ahead, but seriously, most of my issues are based on the situation I'm in at this moment, if I can figure something else I know I'd be comfortable with, that will go a long way...at least that's how I feel (talking to them was like to a wall .-.). Maybe if I'm really feeling it I'd return after a year, but I don't know at this point. All I know is that I'm sick of being where I'm at right now, but I still want my PhD given what I want to do with my life and that I enjoy industry research, so I either have to stick with this hellhole or work something out that's better for me.
I'm gonna head to bed and wake up whenever. Tomorrow I'll probably BS an assignment that's already overdue (if I can find the motivation) and then I want to find that headspace where I can write that proposal out. Cheers y'all, and best of luck with whatever you're all dealing with.
I doubt most people know who I am, so in case you don't, hi I'm Mr. U and mostly lurk around Smogon and hang out with my GP friends on Discord, though I've been trying to post more in Cong and Smogoff as of late.
Irl, I'm a 1st year Computer Science PhD student, and I've been an absolute mess all semester, really all year, and I don't know what to do at this point.
First off, the school I'm at is pure suburb hell. As someone who did undergrad in a pretty sizable city and can't drive (partly because it makes me anxious, but mostly because I had very little reason to and love walking and can take trains as needed) this is a huge fucking problem. The walking here infrastructure is awful and the area is so spaced out that I have to walk a mile just to get any kind of food; groceries are pretty much impossible outside of getting delivery. There's very little to do too, not that I'd want to meet the upstanding citizens of this town, like the one who drove past me on Thursday and called me a retard for wearing a mask outdoors. Housing isn't great either; while there generally isn't much of a point to complain since a lot of the problems exist no matter what I do, not having a dishwasher has been awful and made it so much harder to eat consistently and just takes up even more of my time.
School life sucks too. For what it's worth, the school I'm at is legitimately one of the best schools in the US for my research area, but I've just come to realize a lot of things about PhD programs that just aren't made clear at first. To begin with, you need to pass 5 qualifier courses out of a selection as one of your requirements, with the passing grade being an A-. That's already pretty dumb (most schools have a more reasonable 3.5 or even 3.0 GPA requirement), but it just gets awful because grade cutoffs in grad school are super random so you can never tell how well you're doing in a class. Yes, they're lenient, but that doesn't help if you don't know how you're doing at the moment. Am I actually failing this class or am I doing well despite how I'm feeling? More importantly, should I stop putting effort into this class that I'm already screwed on so I can focus on something else? It's just not a good mindset to ever have, it resulted in me basically burning a good grade in my hardest class to the ground simply out of the pure anxiety that I had screwed myself from getting a good enough grade when I really hadn't. Also, as a PhD student, I need to actually have a source of funding, so I also have to find a professor who I can do research with after this first year and possibly have as an advisor. Which is funny considering that the first year is meant to be "focused on coursework"...bruh. Obviously, professors aren't very good at checking their email and they're constrained on giving funding anyways. Normally, including from my experience, the best option would be to head to the offices in-person, knock on a professor's door, and talk through with them there...OH WAIT
For the time being, I'm getting TA funding, though I'm not supposed to continue having TA funding past this 1st year. I can maybe make a case since I've personally I've been doing a good job (as does my professor) and it's honestly made me interested in lecturing for the class in the future. While I do love my TA position, and it's made me interested in maybe pursuing teaching in the future, the work required to TA for the class I do (which I did specifically ask for both semesters) is very intensive, moreso than pretty much every other student TA I've talked to who barely even mention the stress of their TA role at all, and considering my TA position is the reason I'm here, and the main thing that's giving me satisfaction, it's resulted in some very screwed up priorities. Speaking of which, I've found it hard to connect with my peers; very few of them are fresh out of undergrad, a lot of them have their Masters, some have gone into industry, some are engaged or married, it's just hard pretty awkward to fit in with people who have their lives sorted out (and are a few years older than me) while I clearly don't. I could look into finding undergrad friends, but beyond the awkward and how I'd have to stay here longer than undergrads would...a lot of the student body is pretty miserable lol. The freshmen I TA for are incredibly anxious about even being allowed to be a CS major (i.e. they also have some bullshit requirements to deal with in order to even qualify, just like me), a stress that I never had to deal with in undergrad and makes it all the uncomfortable to give low grades when I have to. I've met people on Discord, but a lot of them have discussed about mental health issues and anxieties, getting hospitalized, financial problems with even being at the school, very concerning family issues...just a mess to see. In particular, I became close friends with someone who was extremely depressed and attempted suicide three times in the time I knew him; I eventually cut him off just because I realized how toxic that whole friendship was, but even now it's really left an impression on me and I feel like it's a deep-rooted cause of my current anxieties. Anyways, the issue isnt that I don't have friends, I have plenty, but my closer friends are all hours away and I need good friends at where I am now, which are few and far between
This current semester has been a particular trainwreck. I kinda just crashed and burned right from the start and lost my motivation to do well in my classes. I haven't really been attending lectures, knowing that I can't focus at all in online classes, especially when the material isn't engaging. There's at least one class that I know I'm legitimately failing, and this month there's been a few assignments I just straight up haven't had the will to even attempt, so passing any of my classes feels totally hopeless (though knowing my luck the final grade thresholds would still make it possible for me to pass at this point <_<). I don't think it's a matter of laziness, I've procrastinated all the time, but I've never felt a complete lack of motivation or desire to do anything. The hunt for funding an advisor also hasn't gone well; I've kinda realized that I'm not really all the passionate about the research areas I applied to this school for, and have been coming to terms with the fact that as dumb as it is, my passions really lie with making game-playing AIs. It's probably stupid despite what my professors told me, but I think I'd get greater validation if I can just write a proposal with all of my ideas (and maybe make it clear I'm not completely talentless when it comes to research). I've been having sleeping issues too, and aforementioned problems with food as well. I did start seeing a therapist from the school for the past 3 months and while it has helped, things keep getting worse regardless, and something that's been pretty unprecedented for me, I've had increasing thoughts of self-harm. There has been a professor I reached out to who's helped me a ton with figuring out what to do with my life, though she's also aware that I have serious issues. I got sent off to a very specific counseling group today after my professor found out I had thoughts of self-harm, and they and my prof have been urging me to take the next year off despite my concerns of how much trouble I'd get into with the program.
There's a few different options I have at this point. I could keep going on to the Fall semester, but I'd need to figure out funding, I'd need to make sure I pass all of the classes I end up taking, and I'd need to get more research-related stuff sorted out. And I know I could just stay for another year and leave with my Masters, but honestly, I can barely even put up with finishing this current semester, how am I supposed to handle another school year in this mindset? I am most likely gonna be going on medical leave for a year, but I'm not sure what I'd do then; thinking of just finding a job (hoping my old employer is willing to hire me full-time) and maybe applying to other PhD programs I'd be more comfortable at, but that's still work I need to sort out those plans asap. It's been frustrating talking to the counselors since they've been urging me not to think so far ahead, but seriously, most of my issues are based on the situation I'm in at this moment, if I can figure something else I know I'd be comfortable with, that will go a long way...at least that's how I feel (talking to them was like to a wall .-.). Maybe if I'm really feeling it I'd return after a year, but I don't know at this point. All I know is that I'm sick of being where I'm at right now, but I still want my PhD given what I want to do with my life and that I enjoy industry research, so I either have to stick with this hellhole or work something out that's better for me.
I'm gonna head to bed and wake up whenever. Tomorrow I'll probably BS an assignment that's already overdue (if I can find the motivation) and then I want to find that headspace where I can write that proposal out. Cheers y'all, and best of luck with whatever you're all dealing with.
Last edited:
scorbunnys
Don't dream your life, but live your dream. #Bunny
While at the start i was too shy, i saw the experience of others and i talked with a friend which encouraged me to post here aka Unicorns (s/o all of my discord friends for being so kind with me, even tho ya guys don't know the whole history...).
s/o Parin for improve the gramatical stuff unban him pls
I don't know how to explain this, idk how to start even, so this post is going to be a mess.
No one knows what i feel (except my friends on discord), however i actually have a lot of problems.
So...quarentine started and my dad started working on house, he isn't a bad person, but he kind of just gets mad by everything, so we often discussed each other like...everytime, he kind of just hesistated to understand me and instead, he got mad...which made me feel alone and sad, irl i had no friends and i got harassed by my classmates everyday, which was really bad for me.
Then my dad got diagnosticated with prediabetes and my mom was kinda worried (Even tho she said that everything was going to be fine or something like that), but i just got hella worried even tho, as always, i wore a mask (don't take it literally btw).
I started talking to her and I fell in love, she was helpful and beautiful and really made me feel good (I still like her).
Then she kind of ''declared me'' on a weird way, was with a ''questionary'' from her to me, where she asked me if i was fell in love to someone and well, yk those type of questions. So then, at the end, i ended up declaring as well (we aren't a relationship nor we were).
However ..... The pain started when She had a crush on a boy, that was my friend as well, so she told me to tell him "bad jokes" and basically end my friendship with him, she tried to manipulate me to end my friendship with him, and even called me her boyfriend to make him jealous.
So i asked her if she was fell in love him (on a kind way ofc) and she said ''i don't know, i could be fell in love him but he could be a bad person'' or something like that, so then all was clear to me, she was manipulating me for make him being jealous. And ofc, no one on my family knows this nor will, because my family would not support me.
I just feel alone, my family is kind with me but they'll not understand knowing them, so i can't talk with anyone irl about this and i'm too shy to talk about this to anyone, so i wanted to post it here, i was close to suicide one time (even tho i don't think that i'll think on that anymore).
I just feel like a burden for my family, friends and everyone and i'm not what the people wants me to be.
No one knows what i feel (except my friends on discord), however i actually have a lot of problems.
So...quarentine started and my dad started working on house, he isn't a bad person, but he kind of just gets mad by everything, so we often discussed each other like...everytime, he kind of just hesistated to understand me and instead, he got mad...which made me feel alone and sad, irl i had no friends and i got harassed by my classmates everyday, which was really bad for me.
Then my dad got diagnosticated with prediabetes and my mom was kinda worried (Even tho she said that everything was going to be fine or something like that), but i just got hella worried even tho, as always, i wore a mask (don't take it literally btw).
I started talking to her and I fell in love, she was helpful and beautiful and really made me feel good (I still like her).
Then she kind of ''declared me'' on a weird way, was with a ''questionary'' from her to me, where she asked me if i was fell in love to someone and well, yk those type of questions. So then, at the end, i ended up declaring as well (we aren't a relationship nor we were).
However ..... The pain started when She had a crush on a boy, that was my friend as well, so she told me to tell him "bad jokes" and basically end my friendship with him, she tried to manipulate me to end my friendship with him, and even called me her boyfriend to make him jealous.
So i asked her if she was fell in love him (on a kind way ofc) and she said ''i don't know, i could be fell in love him but he could be a bad person'' or something like that, so then all was clear to me, she was manipulating me for make him being jealous. And ofc, no one on my family knows this nor will, because my family would not support me.
I just feel alone, my family is kind with me but they'll not understand knowing them, so i can't talk with anyone irl about this and i'm too shy to talk about this to anyone, so i wanted to post it here, i was close to suicide one time (even tho i don't think that i'll think on that anymore).
I just feel like a burden for my family, friends and everyone and i'm not what the people wants me to be.
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yadayadayada depressed emma strikes again
basically the same issues as last post. except now i feel especially lonely all day every day. have probably two at max friends irl but i don't talk to them much. pretty hard to meet people at school when all orientation events were shut down because of covid and nobody talks in zoom classes. pretty much just me and my asshole of a roommate all the time who somehow just continues getting worse and worse. recently called me a f*ggot for wearing a feminine sweatshirt and "joked" about how he wanted to order a blue lives matter flag (because he knows i rly support black lives matter) and hang it around our room. being racist is truly hilarious.
don't really have much people to talk to on smogon either. wanted to dm something about how im feeling rn but after scrolling through my friends list on discord i realized there wasnt really anyone so here i am depression thread. i miss all my friends. i miss having people to talk to all the time so i can be distracted from irl sucking a ton. left a ton of discord servers recently because frankly i feel so uncomfortable / anxious in them bc i feel like nobody wants me there. it is generally my fault for being annoying / sad all the time so idrk why im complaining about issues ive caused. this has led to me not talking to a lot of ppl recently who i used to talk to everyday which makes me really sad.
school, somehow, is still going pretty well but jesus christ is it awful. i spend a lot of time in the library isolated from everyone working with is probably not helping my mental condition. even when im done work for the day i spend my free time doing absolutely nothing exciting. i literally spent all my time doing school or smogon stuff at this point. doing usage stats / hosting tours is cool and all but i wish i could do something actually fun for once in my life. the closest i got to that was playing pokemon moon for four hours straight last saturday night so that should tell you how dire things are rn. constant cycle of me wishing i didnt have so much work --> me wasting all my free time because im a massive loser.
have always hated how i look but its become especially worse recently. i really cant go anywhere on campus without seeing a pretty girl and wishing so so so hard i was her. probably the biggest thing i want rn is to be pretty girl but im pretty much accepted thats unfortunately never going to happen. being trans is so dumb and hard. ill never even get to attempt transitioning irl until at least post college bc of my transphobic parents. cant believe i really spilled my heart out to them at 5 in the morning and all i got was "are you sure ur trans? why dont you try just being a more feminine guy?" i want to be a pretty girl so bad but its just never going to happen at this point.
just honestly really miss my friends. im so lonely all the time and feel so incredibly worthless usually. waking up and going through the same cycle of awful is pretty mentally draining and i rly hate it. im practically begging for attention at this point because im that lame. wish i didnt have to post in the thread for everyone to see how pathetic i am but i dont really have anywhere else to go and felt it was a better option that hiding under my covers until 4am being depressed.
hate myself so much "lol"
basically the same issues as last post. except now i feel especially lonely all day every day. have probably two at max friends irl but i don't talk to them much. pretty hard to meet people at school when all orientation events were shut down because of covid and nobody talks in zoom classes. pretty much just me and my asshole of a roommate all the time who somehow just continues getting worse and worse. recently called me a f*ggot for wearing a feminine sweatshirt and "joked" about how he wanted to order a blue lives matter flag (because he knows i rly support black lives matter) and hang it around our room. being racist is truly hilarious.
don't really have much people to talk to on smogon either. wanted to dm something about how im feeling rn but after scrolling through my friends list on discord i realized there wasnt really anyone so here i am depression thread. i miss all my friends. i miss having people to talk to all the time so i can be distracted from irl sucking a ton. left a ton of discord servers recently because frankly i feel so uncomfortable / anxious in them bc i feel like nobody wants me there. it is generally my fault for being annoying / sad all the time so idrk why im complaining about issues ive caused. this has led to me not talking to a lot of ppl recently who i used to talk to everyday which makes me really sad.
school, somehow, is still going pretty well but jesus christ is it awful. i spend a lot of time in the library isolated from everyone working with is probably not helping my mental condition. even when im done work for the day i spend my free time doing absolutely nothing exciting. i literally spent all my time doing school or smogon stuff at this point. doing usage stats / hosting tours is cool and all but i wish i could do something actually fun for once in my life. the closest i got to that was playing pokemon moon for four hours straight last saturday night so that should tell you how dire things are rn. constant cycle of me wishing i didnt have so much work --> me wasting all my free time because im a massive loser.
have always hated how i look but its become especially worse recently. i really cant go anywhere on campus without seeing a pretty girl and wishing so so so hard i was her. probably the biggest thing i want rn is to be pretty girl but im pretty much accepted thats unfortunately never going to happen. being trans is so dumb and hard. ill never even get to attempt transitioning irl until at least post college bc of my transphobic parents. cant believe i really spilled my heart out to them at 5 in the morning and all i got was "are you sure ur trans? why dont you try just being a more feminine guy?" i want to be a pretty girl so bad but its just never going to happen at this point.
just honestly really miss my friends. im so lonely all the time and feel so incredibly worthless usually. waking up and going through the same cycle of awful is pretty mentally draining and i rly hate it. im practically begging for attention at this point because im that lame. wish i didnt have to post in the thread for everyone to see how pathetic i am but i dont really have anywhere else to go and felt it was a better option that hiding under my covers until 4am being depressed.
hate myself so much "lol"
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Diophantine
Banned deucer.
Hi Yugon, from the small amount of interactions we've had, you seem like a nice guy, so I'm quite sorry to hear this. With regards to focusing on work, you have to be strict with yourself. Only let yourself on discord/online/whatever if you've done a good amount of work, and be honest with yourself on that. Try not to compare yourself to your brother. He is probably comparing himself to friends who are more successful than he is. People define success differently, and what you do or what degree you've done is just a medium for success. Teaching may be a low paying job (over here in the UK at least) but I respect successful teachers way more than I respect, say, average lawyers.
Smogon reputation sounds like it should be the least of your worries. Just play the game, enjoy it, make friends, etc, but remember that it's just a drop in the ocean of things that actually matter. I get that you're competitive, but you should probably channel that through your schoolwork instead. Most of the top players here have pretty active lives outside of Smogon, and I doubt they care much more about this than I do about Thursday night football with the lads.
With regards to anger management, you should really ask yourself what is and isn't important. Is it worth getting really mad about hax on ladder? Is it really worth being violent over performing badly in a sport? I used to have these as well, probably developed through the hellhole I endured, but once you start looking at life through a more pragmatic perspective, you start losing your anger bursts, or channeling them more productively.
Hey Emma, sorry to hear you've been going through all this - it sounds awful. From what I've seen, you seem to be a pretty genuinely nice & helpful person, and I really hope all this doesn't change you.
About being lonely, I once felt it quite bad myself. Making friends in an environment where nobody is like you can be very difficult, but I learnt that not all my friends need to be like me. I used to have like 3 friends when I was in school, now I have so many friendship groups that it can be difficult to juggle. Some of my close friends now are also people I never thought I would be close with years ago. Once COVID is over, you'll be able to meet loads of new people through school/university/work. Stay clear of people with massive red flags and try to get to know as many people as you can.
I know how bad having toxic flatmates can be. I currently live with one that seems exactly like the one you are describing and, while none of what he says applies to me, it is so draining telling this Jordan Peterson/Ben Shapiro wannabe why most of his takes are nonsense. These types never really want debates to learn, only to "own the snowflakes" to boost their fragile intellectual ego by rehashing the same stupid arguments regardless of context. Luckily, it's not just him I live with, and the others also feel the same towards him. While I don't advocate for backbiting usually, having a good bitch about them can be therapeutic, especially since I had to put up with it non-stop over lockdown.
Jealousy is a bitch, though. Don't compare yourself to the "pretty girls" that you mention. Sure, it might be nice to be conventionally attractive, but it is not the be-all-and-end-all. As an ex-model, I can safely say that even (especially?) models are incredibly insecure about how they look, and there truly is someone for everyone out there. There are far more important things out there for you to care about. You seem to be someone that likes (or at least has some aptitude for) learning, so perhaps channeling yourself into that might be worthwhile. If it's not too much trouble, going outside your curriculum might be useful. Grinding hard at school was initially a coping mechanism for all the crazy shit happening around me, but I started to really enjoy both it and the feeling I got from succeeding with it. Sure, it got/is stressful at times, but most things worth doing can be. I would also recommend picking up a sport. Does a world of good for you, both physically and mentally.
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Katy
Banned deucer.
Hey everyone here,
I really appreciate the words coming from Diophantine he really put it in a very good manner, and I would encourage you to read back to his words, if you feel very down again. I really appreciate the thoughtful comments of him in a sensitive, respectable, and great manner. Thank you so much for these words Diophantine!
And yea emma don't compare yourself to other girls. I know it is hard n tough in the superficial world we live in, where the surface counts more than the heart and personality from a person, but there is for sure a way to deal with that. As Diophantine said, distract yourself, do what you feel like, do what you have passion in, and I am very certain you'll find a way through that. You are a great, respected, and nice person here in the smogon community, and nice people make the world better. And I think if everyone would be similar / equally nice, the world can flourish and thrive, and you are a part of it, making the world thrive towards a better direction than we currently in.
I respect each and every one, you all have great aspects, great personalities, different strengths to build up on, different POVs, and moreover different talents, and all these aspects combined make the world just a little bit better each and every day. :)
Please stay safe everyone, you all are precious, cool members, and dont compare yourselves, just be yourself! You make the world better with whom you are, you are all appreciated people!
Have all the love, and all the positive thoughts from us. Together we make the planet a better one to live on! :)
I really appreciate the words coming from Diophantine he really put it in a very good manner, and I would encourage you to read back to his words, if you feel very down again. I really appreciate the thoughtful comments of him in a sensitive, respectable, and great manner. Thank you so much for these words Diophantine!
And yea emma don't compare yourself to other girls. I know it is hard n tough in the superficial world we live in, where the surface counts more than the heart and personality from a person, but there is for sure a way to deal with that. As Diophantine said, distract yourself, do what you feel like, do what you have passion in, and I am very certain you'll find a way through that. You are a great, respected, and nice person here in the smogon community, and nice people make the world better. And I think if everyone would be similar / equally nice, the world can flourish and thrive, and you are a part of it, making the world thrive towards a better direction than we currently in.
I respect each and every one, you all have great aspects, great personalities, different strengths to build up on, different POVs, and moreover different talents, and all these aspects combined make the world just a little bit better each and every day. :)
Please stay safe everyone, you all are precious, cool members, and dont compare yourselves, just be yourself! You make the world better with whom you are, you are all appreciated people!
Have all the love, and all the positive thoughts from us. Together we make the planet a better one to live on! :)
There's been a lot of shit going on in my life over the past couple of weeks. I don't really want to go into detail because a lot of it involves very personal family matters (part of which is now a legal fight in which I'll probably never see nor care to see my extended family again after the fact), but over the past few days, I've really started feeling..like a living zombie basically. Every day, the moment I wake up to when I end up sleeping, I feel very exhausted and numb to everything happening around me now. I haven't recently been able to really sit down and do anything related to my hobbies because the enjoyment isn't currently there. I've tried making an effort to get out and walk a bit while playing Pokemon Go in order to distract me and help clear my head, but even that's starting to feel like a chore, and I'm not sure it's really helping anymore.
The thing that's really beginning to bother me is that this is starting to allow intrusive thoughts that I can't shake out of my head. I'm turning 27 this year, and I have nothing to show for it at all, nor do I have a clue what in the hell to even do with my life. I've tried collecting myself and trying to map out a plan, but the more I think about it, the more I realize just how little either interests me, or how few things I'm even somewhat okay at doing. Everyone else in my family was already out working towards their goals by my age (and this constantly gets hammered in my head from my parents), and most of my irl friends have already married and started families, which really stings because I feel left behind with everything that goes on between us. I can't even really plan anything out short-term because of covid and the aforementioned family matters, so I'm basically just stuck in purgatory and feeling like a complete failure and burden to society because of it all. Even after matters resolve here and covid as a whole starts to settle down, I honestly don't see any sort of path ahead, and it really just hurts on top of all the current stress I'm trying to crawl my way through right now.
This ended up being more of a vent post than anything, and probably not the most coherent thing I've ever written, so I apologize. I'm just...tired of everything at this point.
The thing that's really beginning to bother me is that this is starting to allow intrusive thoughts that I can't shake out of my head. I'm turning 27 this year, and I have nothing to show for it at all, nor do I have a clue what in the hell to even do with my life. I've tried collecting myself and trying to map out a plan, but the more I think about it, the more I realize just how little either interests me, or how few things I'm even somewhat okay at doing. Everyone else in my family was already out working towards their goals by my age (and this constantly gets hammered in my head from my parents), and most of my irl friends have already married and started families, which really stings because I feel left behind with everything that goes on between us. I can't even really plan anything out short-term because of covid and the aforementioned family matters, so I'm basically just stuck in purgatory and feeling like a complete failure and burden to society because of it all. Even after matters resolve here and covid as a whole starts to settle down, I honestly don't see any sort of path ahead, and it really just hurts on top of all the current stress I'm trying to crawl my way through right now.
This ended up being more of a vent post than anything, and probably not the most coherent thing I've ever written, so I apologize. I'm just...tired of everything at this point.
Hiya friend I am sorry too to know things are not going well. I (as have many others) too felt unsure of many things and getting things hammered into me (e.g. college). I am her for you :xenglad: anytime you want to talk I am here for you! Sincerely wish things turn up for you and everyone else too!
This is completely fine. Your life is just your life to live. You don't have to rush to "accomplish" something, even if others do. Life is long.
You are NOT a failure or a BURDEN to society just because you don't fit the mold of early life societal acceptance. Your life is for you and you alone to do with whatever you choose
I offer my best greetings Xen,
I hope you know that, no matter what happens, your friends from the Wi-Fi section always have your back.
We care immensely, all while trying to strike a healthy balance between inquiring and not coming across as intrusive.
You're always more than welcome to reach out to us if you want to hang out in voice chat, especially also in the private one.
These sorts "comparisons" hold no real weight.
I use quotation marks, as one can't really fully compare generations to each other on a 1:1 basis.
Every single generation is a product of its respect era, shaped by different political and economic climates.
People from previous generations tend to forget that they would've worried and struggled the same way we do now if they had been in our shoes.
I can relate to what you're currently going through, as people used to compare me a lot to my old man, ignoring the fact that I'm an individual.
"Your father did this better than you." "Why can't you be more like your father?" "You're nothing like him." etc.
I have my own personality, in conjunction with a répertoire of individual fortés, interests, and passions and I'm not afraid to express myself.
I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive.
And so are you.
I guess now you can see why this is my slogan.
Parents pass down many things to their children, but this only happens in the framework of genetics. One's life path does not fall under that umbrella.
The umbilical cord being cut after childbirth is the first step of slowly developing into a unique and autonomous creature.
Some people need more time to fully become independent, but eventually this "invisible umbilical cord" will be cut as well. You will get there.
"Do you really have to be special? Do you really need people's recognition? I don't think so. When it comes to my child... He doesn't need to become great. Why would he have to be better than anyone else? After all, just look at him... He's so cute. He's already great. Because he was... born into this world."
- Carla Jäger
It just wouldn't be me if I hadn't made an Attack on Titan reference, eh?
Take care, Xen, we'll talk again soon!
I hope you know that, no matter what happens, your friends from the Wi-Fi section always have your back.
We care immensely, all while trying to strike a healthy balance between inquiring and not coming across as intrusive.
You're always more than welcome to reach out to us if you want to hang out in voice chat, especially also in the private one.
These sorts "comparisons" hold no real weight.
I use quotation marks, as one can't really fully compare generations to each other on a 1:1 basis.
Every single generation is a product of its respect era, shaped by different political and economic climates.
People from previous generations tend to forget that they would've worried and struggled the same way we do now if they had been in our shoes.
I can relate to what you're currently going through, as people used to compare me a lot to my old man, ignoring the fact that I'm an individual.
"Your father did this better than you." "Why can't you be more like your father?" "You're nothing like him." etc.
I have my own personality, in conjunction with a répertoire of individual fortés, interests, and passions and I'm not afraid to express myself.
I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive.
And so are you.
I guess now you can see why this is my slogan.
Parents pass down many things to their children, but this only happens in the framework of genetics. One's life path does not fall under that umbrella.
The umbilical cord being cut after childbirth is the first step of slowly developing into a unique and autonomous creature.
Some people need more time to fully become independent, but eventually this "invisible umbilical cord" will be cut as well. You will get there.
"Do you really have to be special? Do you really need people's recognition? I don't think so. When it comes to my child... He doesn't need to become great. Why would he have to be better than anyone else? After all, just look at him... He's so cute. He's already great. Because he was... born into this world."
- Carla Jäger
It just wouldn't be me if I hadn't made an Attack on Titan reference, eh?
Take care, Xen, we'll talk again soon!
probably shouldnt be venting here of all places but sometimes its nice to scream into the void. expect absolutely no coherent thoughts if you choose to read.
shit just sucks. honestly. i wake up every day and repeat the same actions because a lot of days all I can do is get out of bed and hop on my laptop. I have no desire or energy to do or be anything. I just drift through day to day. I saw some friends IRL recently and I just felt out of place, to the point where I couldn't wait to leave. I typically get really bored of people and interactions. I leave discord calls, can't motivate myself to pay attention in my zoom classes (literally failed three classes this semester, not because I'm dumb obviously, but because I just cannot make myself sit through it). I broke things off with my partner recently because I just felt nothing. It all feels like nothing. I feel empty when I play pokemon. I feel empty when I watch anime, or do anything that used to interest me really. It all just feels like I'm just pissing time away, waiting to rot into nothing.
this often leaves me to get lost in my head. recently my thoughts have been about myself. who do I want to be, what am I capable of, and really who even am I? in a sense of both things like my potential in life and my gender and sexuality. it feels like I'm tied down and have 0 avenue to explore my interests and myself. maybe it's because of my hick town or maybe its just because I'm so scattered that I never really know what to think or how to feel.
I'm really not sure what'll happen to me, and I'm not sure I care either. right before lockdown hit I was hospitalized for mental health reasons for a week or so and this has been the absolute worst possible way to work through any of the issues I had before hand. same issues too, I just couldn't get myself to do anything or care about anything. I'm not sure when this will end. I really just want to feel something again for once. my brain is all static as you can probably tell by how incoherent this post is.
this often leaves me to get lost in my head. recently my thoughts have been about myself. who do I want to be, what am I capable of, and really who even am I? in a sense of both things like my potential in life and my gender and sexuality. it feels like I'm tied down and have 0 avenue to explore my interests and myself. maybe it's because of my hick town or maybe its just because I'm so scattered that I never really know what to think or how to feel.
I'm really not sure what'll happen to me, and I'm not sure I care either. right before lockdown hit I was hospitalized for mental health reasons for a week or so and this has been the absolute worst possible way to work through any of the issues I had before hand. same issues too, I just couldn't get myself to do anything or care about anything. I'm not sure when this will end. I really just want to feel something again for once. my brain is all static as you can probably tell by how incoherent this post is.
Hi zee
, I understand the college part (zoom and the online classes). For me during the Fall semester of last year; I had a terrible time with my class work and struggled every single day. Just wanting it to be over. I also get things are kind of just "meh" and sometimes how we just feel empty inside. Regarding the second paragraph, I feel the same way about "who or what am I" and things like that. (Never had a relationship so I do not know much about that)
a few things have started to look up for myself but a lot of aspects within our day-to-day lives can be a struggle, if not a complete and utter nightmare. I do know you are a SMART individual through our interactions we have had thus far. I do sincerely hope everything gets better for yourself! You know where to find me; do not hesitate to bump a Discord DM/ Forum PM :)Hey everyone
I was doing really well these past couple weeks until today just sent me hurtling right back down.
My hair was getting really long so I went down to brooklyn to the parlor to get it trimmed. I forgot to make an appointment so my regular place was full. The lady there told me to go to this unisex barbershop like right down the street so I was like okay and I went there and just. God.
The guy they got to cut my hair was literally rubbing himself against my knee the entire time. And I just froze. And I could tell he knew what he was doing but I was just too scared to say anything and it was the most horrible thing to just sit there for 20 minutes pretending I didnt notice and I just felt so powerless and its not even the first time sth like this has happened but its been a while since the last time and it just wasnt on my mind and I know I should have been more careful or idk called him out on it but I was so fucking scared. And I just left the barbershop and got on the train and just cried the entire ride home and I feel so dirtied and taken advantage of and I swear Ive showered a dozen times but i can still fucking feel that creep against my knee and I just want to fucking. Die. I just hate everything so much. And Im getting serious with the guy Im seeing but idk rn I dont even feel like I could kiss him let alone do anything else and I cant even talk to anyone about it and its all just. So hurtful. And unfair. And Im just tired. I wish I could go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. Because what can I even do about this? Everytime I close my eyes I see the fucking smile on his face. Im just. Idk. Im tired.
Sorry
My hair was getting really long so I went down to brooklyn to the parlor to get it trimmed. I forgot to make an appointment so my regular place was full. The lady there told me to go to this unisex barbershop like right down the street so I was like okay and I went there and just. God.
The guy they got to cut my hair was literally rubbing himself against my knee the entire time. And I just froze. And I could tell he knew what he was doing but I was just too scared to say anything and it was the most horrible thing to just sit there for 20 minutes pretending I didnt notice and I just felt so powerless and its not even the first time sth like this has happened but its been a while since the last time and it just wasnt on my mind and I know I should have been more careful or idk called him out on it but I was so fucking scared. And I just left the barbershop and got on the train and just cried the entire ride home and I feel so dirtied and taken advantage of and I swear Ive showered a dozen times but i can still fucking feel that creep against my knee and I just want to fucking. Die. I just hate everything so much. And Im getting serious with the guy Im seeing but idk rn I dont even feel like I could kiss him let alone do anything else and I cant even talk to anyone about it and its all just. So hurtful. And unfair. And Im just tired. I wish I could go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. Because what can I even do about this? Everytime I close my eyes I see the fucking smile on his face. Im just. Idk. Im tired.
Sorry
Hey all, it's been a while since I last posted here.
The Bad: My mental health is extremely unstable, I swing between days of almost feeling normal to days of extreme depression and not being able to leave bed. I'm afraid to talk about it with the people I care about because I feel like a burden and a bother to them, which I guess is why I'm screaming into the void here instead. I've been crying a lot lately, I'm under so much pressure especially with exams that things that shouldn't be getting to me, are getting to me. I feel lost and tired. I wonder a lot what the point of it all is.
The Good: As of tomorrow, I will officially be nine months clean (no self harm)! It's not been the easiest, and I have thrown away more than one pair of scissors, but I'm so close to a whole year I can almost feel it. I've also recently discovered a passion for writing after doing a few small projects, so it's nice to enjoy something again.
I know that this time of the year is incredibly stressful with exams, but know that you're all strong and amazing people. We all can and will get through this. If anyone ever needs anything, please hit me up here, on PS, or on Discord.
The Bad: My mental health is extremely unstable, I swing between days of almost feeling normal to days of extreme depression and not being able to leave bed. I'm afraid to talk about it with the people I care about because I feel like a burden and a bother to them, which I guess is why I'm screaming into the void here instead. I've been crying a lot lately, I'm under so much pressure especially with exams that things that shouldn't be getting to me, are getting to me. I feel lost and tired. I wonder a lot what the point of it all is.
The Good: As of tomorrow, I will officially be nine months clean (no self harm)! It's not been the easiest, and I have thrown away more than one pair of scissors, but I'm so close to a whole year I can almost feel it. I've also recently discovered a passion for writing after doing a few small projects, so it's nice to enjoy something again.
I know that this time of the year is incredibly stressful with exams, but know that you're all strong and amazing people. We all can and will get through this. If anyone ever needs anything, please hit me up here, on PS, or on Discord.
NuttyRabbit
Banned deucer.
So uh, I usually don't come around these parts but I've been stuck in a bad place for a while and since I've been coming to this site to get my mind off things and found this thread, I figured I'd give it a shot.
So about 2 weeks ago, right after my first semester of grad school ended, I suddenly began having extreme anxiety attacks and depressive states over my own mortality and just being consumed by a fear of death and everything related to it. It got to the point where I was spending every hour after work curled up on the couch or in my bed talking to my best friend (I was home alone at the time since my parents had gone to Denver for the week) and trying desperately to get my mind off things. Eventually I got some medication and my parents came home and I've slowly been getting better but that anxiety and that depression is something I just can't shake and it's frustrating because while I'd been depressed and anxious before it had never gotten this bad and it was about something I just couldn't shake. I guess I'm just posting here because I needed to post it all somewhere and I'm at my wits end trying to make sense of it all and cope.
Katy
Banned deucer.
hello guys,
i am back here but with more positive news, to show it can go upwards with enough energy and positive mindset!
i have a new psychologist (therapist) and she is incredible and amazing. she listened to me, and it felt like we both get along very well, as she is really adamant on trying to figure out, how to help me and how to gain self esteem and confidence back and how to find a way to admire myself, my work, and all i'm doing. it took a looong looong way, but i think ive finally found the tehrapist ive needed for so long. we spoke a lot today together and i opened up about my past and it felt - although energy draining - but also good, as she listened, noted down, what needed, and she is really nice with how i can get along with myself in a more positive way.
she is such a nice, sweet person and even tho she's young in that field, she knows exactly what to do to help people which struggle, and i hope i can maintain that positivity in the future! she said, due to a lot of rejections IRL i feel i am worthless and to nobodys help and that nobody wants me, but i should always try to maintain the positivity and that it can go uphill again.
we talked alot about how i got bullied in the school because i didn't 'fit' and that this isn't my fault at all because bullies always try to find 'something' to bully people with, wether its their way of dressing, or how they talk, or how they move, or what they do. and getting bullied isn't the fault of the victim, bullies just try to make up their self-worth in putting other people down. so i want to say to everyone here, who suffers / suffered the same, it isn't your fault that some humans are like that!
she also said - as i tried to go for job applications - that getting a job isn't easy for a lot of people, and she took a look at my graduations and she said the jobs i am aiming for people might think i am too overqualified. i have a pretty good graduation and want to apply for a veterian helper (taking care of pets in rescue shelters) and they might think i am a bit too overqualified. but i should try to speak with these persons in person - face to face - so they see it isn't about my graduations, it's about the passion i have to wanting to help animals in rescue shelters. and i want to try that on the enxt application, maybe they understand me better and hopefully it gives me the job. I for sure won't give up on this!
we also talked a lot about how i can maintain my positivity and she said it isn't good to rely on other peoples feedback, i should just do for what i am passionated for, and i have a lot of passions for different things. and i won't give up on my passion. i truly love what I AM doing and if others don't appreciate it, that is not my fault. and I should always try and look forward. and I know I am good at what i am doing. And I want to say to every one of you people: never think you aren't worthful, you are good at what you're doing!
this was the first therapy session she and i had and we're aiming for more in the future to get a better mindset overall. and with that being said, I wanted to say that it can always go uphill. you are all amazing people, never forget that! and if you ever struggle in finding the right therapist, just give yourself the time and try another one. sure it might seem and sound tough but there is always a chance for every one of you! <3
just try and stay positive!
(and if any of you ever want to reach out, my PMs are always open, here and on discord)
i am back here but with more positive news, to show it can go upwards with enough energy and positive mindset!
i have a new psychologist (therapist) and she is incredible and amazing. she listened to me, and it felt like we both get along very well, as she is really adamant on trying to figure out, how to help me and how to gain self esteem and confidence back and how to find a way to admire myself, my work, and all i'm doing. it took a looong looong way, but i think ive finally found the tehrapist ive needed for so long. we spoke a lot today together and i opened up about my past and it felt - although energy draining - but also good, as she listened, noted down, what needed, and she is really nice with how i can get along with myself in a more positive way.
she is such a nice, sweet person and even tho she's young in that field, she knows exactly what to do to help people which struggle, and i hope i can maintain that positivity in the future! she said, due to a lot of rejections IRL i feel i am worthless and to nobodys help and that nobody wants me, but i should always try to maintain the positivity and that it can go uphill again.
we talked alot about how i got bullied in the school because i didn't 'fit' and that this isn't my fault at all because bullies always try to find 'something' to bully people with, wether its their way of dressing, or how they talk, or how they move, or what they do. and getting bullied isn't the fault of the victim, bullies just try to make up their self-worth in putting other people down. so i want to say to everyone here, who suffers / suffered the same, it isn't your fault that some humans are like that!
she also said - as i tried to go for job applications - that getting a job isn't easy for a lot of people, and she took a look at my graduations and she said the jobs i am aiming for people might think i am too overqualified. i have a pretty good graduation and want to apply for a veterian helper (taking care of pets in rescue shelters) and they might think i am a bit too overqualified. but i should try to speak with these persons in person - face to face - so they see it isn't about my graduations, it's about the passion i have to wanting to help animals in rescue shelters. and i want to try that on the enxt application, maybe they understand me better and hopefully it gives me the job. I for sure won't give up on this!
we also talked a lot about how i can maintain my positivity and she said it isn't good to rely on other peoples feedback, i should just do for what i am passionated for, and i have a lot of passions for different things. and i won't give up on my passion. i truly love what I AM doing and if others don't appreciate it, that is not my fault. and I should always try and look forward. and I know I am good at what i am doing. And I want to say to every one of you people: never think you aren't worthful, you are good at what you're doing!
this was the first therapy session she and i had and we're aiming for more in the future to get a better mindset overall. and with that being said, I wanted to say that it can always go uphill. you are all amazing people, never forget that! and if you ever struggle in finding the right therapist, just give yourself the time and try another one. sure it might seem and sound tough but there is always a chance for every one of you! <3
just try and stay positive!
(and if any of you ever want to reach out, my PMs are always open, here and on discord)
The worst part about having depression is knowing the potential you hold but never being able to muster the energy to use it.
This thread popped out to me as I been struggling with depression since my teenage years. I’ve been in and out of homes since I was a kid. Father wasn’t around because of his own personal demons. But my teenage years is when it start to hit my mother broke down as she is now diagnosed with scizoaffective disorder I didn’t understand what it was at the time as I was 13 but now I know. Grades began slipping highschool was rough being homeless for some periods of time through school hurt my focus seeing what others have and I didn’t have (like a stable home) also made me depressed. My dad passed away one year ago (due to excessive drinking) he was only 51...I get still depressed about it wondering if I could have done more to save him..I understand he had a rough life as his mother died when he was young and he grew up in the rough areas of Detroit. Him not being in my life hurt me as well and was part of my depression. Today I still live with the pain of what was and my past I do have Scars.however there is this force I can’t explain pushing me telling me to keep going and I do even though I get discouraged, depressed and unmotivated at times I do. Life is hard sometimes but you just gotta push through it. I feel like if people that can make it through anything they go through will have the strength to save someone else just like them. I do have my days still..Where I’m depressed but I just keep moving forward that’s what it takes. Thanks for reading much love and strength to whoever is struggling with depression. There was days I want to end my life but there are people who love me and that would be selfish I wanna help people that struggled like me and that is what’s pushing me. Sincerely , Typhlosion4
I’m not one to make posts on smogon that aren't “in” or “won ggs” and I’m pretty private with irl stuff so this is a bit out of character but I’m hoping I can at least leave this here, click off the page, pretend nothing happened and feel relieved to a degree, because God knows I need it. At times like this it's helpful that nobody really knows who you are. I’ve never really found solace in ranting to people honestly so I’m not sure what I’m expecting here, so here’s just a bunch of poorly structured word vomit I guess :
Post rant edit : I only wanted to talk about my condition I recently was diagnosed with but this ended up being a lot more as I got more incredibly upset as I wrote this and wanted to just get everything off my chest. Sorry if this is awkward for anyone to read ig idk.
I do want to say to everyone else posting in this thread that you’re all very strong <3. I didn’t want to sound like woe is me in this but I’m just tired of everything, ya’ feel?
This ended up being super like ranty and not very coherent, so my apologies. Hope you all have a good day.
October 24th, 2020 is pretty much the start of a never ending hell for me. I was eating food and suddenly food kept being hard to swallow or getting stuck. I've always had eating problems in the past because of a condition that I was born with but it has never been too awful, just some anxiety attacks here and there when I think I’m about to choke like once every few months or something. But on this particular day it seemed to be out of control. I didn’t think much of it until I went to the store with my mother and sister and my throat literally felt shut. We were on vacation in Minnesota in the middle of nowhere so I started freaking out because I thought then and there I was going to die because of how hard it was to breathe. Obviously, I did not die and I was able to get to a hospital. My swallowing just felt super unnatural and my throat was closed up a bit. They prescribed me a steroid and diagnosed me simply with “dysphagia” and we moved on our way. I took the steroid, slept, woke up, and for a split second my swallowing felt fine and I was relieved. After that split second however on October 25th up until now, June 13th, I have not eaten anything. No medication has worked, and I’m essentially on a liquid diet. For a few months my condition improved and I was able to eat ice cream, yogurt, mashed potatoes, which was not glamorous but it was something. After a procedure I underwent for this issue my condition got worse (which was on May 26th iirc), I can barely get liquids down now, so that only shows what would happen if I ate solid food and even mushy foods that I was accustomed to. Ever since that day I cannot go a singular day without breaking down crying or just wanting to die. I’ve been depressed for a long time and I’m so scared of dying but good god every day I wake up and just feel like a walking corpse and that I want to be dead. I’ve lost like 20 pounds because of this and I’m incredibly depressed. I wake up everyday while my friends get to go out this summer and have cool dinners at restaurants, hangout, drink, do whatever, and I get to sit at home and do nothing, I wake up everyday and think to myself “why me”. It was fine before when I could have mushy foods like ice cream etc, but now I’m strictly on water and milk pretty much. It's god awful. I’m so hungry and I’ve had a feeling of hunger for the past 8 months. The first 3 months this happened I was being treated with antifungal medication because a SPEECH THERAPIST on a VIDEO CALL (like how tf are you supposed to treat anyone by looking at a fking camera) said “oh wow that looks like an infection!” as she asked me to show her my tongue on camera, apparently it looked like I had thrush. It felt really rude because I feel like I’m being sent to speech therapists because I have a lisp when it has like nothing to fucking do with this. Anyway, so 3 months of my life gone and no actual improvement because of them prescribing me useless meds. Then they move on to acid reflux treatment, and they prescribe me anti acids, I tell them it’s not working and they’re like “ok?”. I finally got a diagnosis about a week ago when I went to the emergency room because I could barely breathe, apparently its called EoE (eosinophilic esophagitis) which is a build up of these cells that are supposed to stay in your stomach in your esophagus. It is chronic and pretty much incurable but treatment can help. I’m finally getting the treatment I so desperately need but I’m not really hopeful. The first thing I’m told is that they prescribed me the wrong dosage of steroid for this which is only my luck because of how many wrong and incorrect dosages of medication I’m being prescribed, hell, they even prescribed me a NASAL SPRAY (?) and I had to ask them why the fuck I’m getting a nasal spray for my throat and they said “oh haha our bad!”. After this, I asked if there could be any permanent damage due to not being correctly treated for so long and they told me that I can develop cancer because of this. My great uncle not so long ago died of esophageal cancer so that made me break down in tears. They mentioned that it would take years of being untreated to develop cancer but, I just imagine what could’ve happened to me if I didn’t move my doctors along and push them to do more for me than the bare minimum. It just feels like I'm being played with and it's a cruel game. Everytime I drink something I just live in fear that I could choke. Every day I don’t go without sadness, anger, anxiety, or whatever negative emotion someone could harbor. It’s a living hell and I want out, but they said they want me on these meds for like 3 more months. Which means I very well could not eat for the rest of the year, which also means it’s almost been a year since I’ve eaten a real meal. I worked really hard to get my weight up and start working out and get my body the way I like and then this happens. At this point I’m just ranting and I always feel like I’m attention seeking when I rant but I just don’t really know what else to do anymore. I haven’t been this depressed in my entire life, and god it sucks. When this first started happening my mom suggested that I see a therapist because maybe my swallowing issues were “psychological”. I feel like nobody takes me seriously ever and it is quite infuriating.
Ever since I became increasingly depressed, I feel like I’ve been super vulnerable and it makes you reminisce on shitty times. In 2020 at a party I was drunk and a girl made...unwanted advances on me. She tried groping me in "areas" (and did at one point eventually succeed at touching me inappropriately), kept announcing that people thought we were going to have sex, just got super touchy and would try to cuddle with me and I was too drunk to do anything. I don’t really know if I want (or should) to qualify it as SA but the whole thing is confusing. I’ve only ever told like two people about this and one of them I can’t even remember if I actually told them or not. I just want to know if I'm being dramatic about this or not. I was forced to come out of the closet because everyone thought it was consensual and that I wanted to mess around with her, but no. I did not. So I had to uncomfortably out myself and tell everyone that I was gay so that they’d understand what was happening, her friends had to pull her off of me, and she continued to follow me throughout the night when I would try and get away from her. I had a friend who came to the party for my sake to pick me up and tell her off and thank god to him, love him lots. The rest of my friends were thankfully non judgmental which I was afraid of because they're your stereotypical like jock high school conservative boys and I thought they would’ve felt uncomfortable around me or something (nothing against conservatives lol half of my family is but it’s easier to paint a picture with that as a descriptor). Again, they were all super supportive but none of them really know the extent of what happened that night. It’s hard for me to qualify what happened as SA because I grow up in a homophobic family that holds those classic “a man should be manly” stigma and I can’t tell if I’m being a baby about what happened that night or its those stereotypes that I grow up around that’s causing me to be unsure of that night. I don’t even know what I don’t know anymore. In late 2019-2020 a boy who I’ll refer to as “Joe” was an adult and I was a minor. Joe attempted to get into a relationship with me to which I politely declined. At first it I thought it was fine because he expressed to me that he felt ashamed that he was attracted to me and that he wanted to wait until I was 18 (which was relatively soon back then). Again, I expressed that I was not interested, at all, regardless if I was an adult. He did not take this news lightly and pretty much harassed me for a while, made sure I felt like shit for not liking him back, blowing up my phone late at night when I was trying to sleep for school, text me during school, god, DURING TESTS. He would even insult my body and other things about me despite the fact that he was apparently attracted to me. At the time I would console him and do whatever to calm him down but, ever since my life has become a shit-show as I’ve mentioned I have done a lot of retrospect, and it makes me so angry I put up with that. I suffered way more than he did and he’s still bothering me to this day. I want to describe him as an abuser but again, I can't really tell if I'm being dramatic or not. There is only one person I do find comfort in ranting to and they generally dismissed this and did not react in a supportive way and it made me put up walls a little bit. Which I guess is why I’m posting here. My eating issues coupled with the issue of what happened that night, and with “Joe”, and the fact that I'm closeted within a very homophobic/religious family just haunts me every night and every day and I literally just play mons and other games to get my mind off of it. I never understood that “internet is an escape” stuff because for me I never used the internet for that. But now, god. I understand it more than I think I’ve ever wanted to. Everything at this point is just a blur and I’m living day by day. I was super excited for college to move out and tackle the world and now I’m rotting my room with nothing to do and no more aspirations.
I do want to say to everyone else posting in this thread that you’re all very strong <3. I didn’t want to sound like woe is me in this but I’m just tired of everything, ya’ feel?
This ended up being super like ranty and not very coherent, so my apologies. Hope you all have a good day.
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I just want to make easier assisted suicide legal. I'd pay for it. Or just go back in time and rewrite my existence. Make sure I never exist, make sure my parents didn't have to go through me (maybe they'd still be together if I wasn't born so early into their marriage), make sure no one ever had to deal with me, make sure my blight never affected anyone.
And if a few select people on the Internet are basically going to call me a Nazi for liking a video game (Halo 3), maybe I should just be a horrid person. I'm already far gone anyways and turn away everyones' "feel-goodiness" and "help". I'm a genetically inferior product that was a huge mistake and can never be good as others. What's the point of my continued existence then? Oh wait, I'm too wimpy to do anything about it (the proper way.... in my eyes.). If I can't be better than others and can't get things with little effort, what's the point? If I'm going to be an inherent dumbass, what's the point? If I'm going to be a utter monster to some people over liking video game, what's the point? I'm a lost cause.... just have to get others to agree with me (which is way harder than you'd think, surprisingly. How I think about myself should be a no-brainer to all.). I hate myself.... just wish I had the guts to talk to other mutally shitty people so they could belittle me and tell me to off myself. They know what's up with me. "Normal" people don't.
And yeah, I'm going to reject your words of encouragement and "help".... you might mean it, but it's morally wrong and shouldn't be given. Just vitriol. Or better yet, ignore an attention whore like me. Tons have failed to get through to me (and only have pushed me in the other direction) --- you won't be any different. Trust me.
And if a few select people on the Internet are basically going to call me a Nazi for liking a video game (Halo 3), maybe I should just be a horrid person. I'm already far gone anyways and turn away everyones' "feel-goodiness" and "help". I'm a genetically inferior product that was a huge mistake and can never be good as others. What's the point of my continued existence then? Oh wait, I'm too wimpy to do anything about it (the proper way.... in my eyes.). If I can't be better than others and can't get things with little effort, what's the point? If I'm going to be an inherent dumbass, what's the point? If I'm going to be a utter monster to some people over liking video game, what's the point? I'm a lost cause.... just have to get others to agree with me (which is way harder than you'd think, surprisingly. How I think about myself should be a no-brainer to all.). I hate myself.... just wish I had the guts to talk to other mutally shitty people so they could belittle me and tell me to off myself. They know what's up with me. "Normal" people don't.
And yeah, I'm going to reject your words of encouragement and "help".... you might mean it, but it's morally wrong and shouldn't be given. Just vitriol. Or better yet, ignore an attention whore like me. Tons have failed to get through to me (and only have pushed me in the other direction) --- you won't be any different. Trust me.
Anyone ever struggle with pessimism? Always thinking the worst in any given situation? Constantly thinking about what will be? As opposed to being in the now? There is is two sides of me that battle each other every day telling me “you will be somebody, you’ll be part of the change” and the other telling me “you will fail miserably you won’t succeed” ever since I was a kid I was a pessimist I gotten a little better over the years but still struggle. Idk if it’s because of my struggles as a kid why I have this mentality. The side always shows itself when something bad happens even if you foreseen it still somehow feel worse. People always thought I was the happiest most optimistic because I was goofy and funny but reality is inside was a battle with myself…like Robin Williams said
That’s how I feel. Anyways you all have a goodnight :) try to stay positive even though it’s hard.